Agro: the Destroyer of Worlds

A coiled pine snake displaying its distinctive patterned scales rests on the textured ground, blending seamlessly with its surroundings.

There are few creatures in this world that immediately demand respect upon encountering them; there are even fewer creatures that are capable of never letting-up - from right out of the egg, to their last breath - their grit, tenacity, and character never miss a beat.

Agro was one of those creatures.

When I was about 13 years old, I was at a local reptiles expo looking for the next member of my reptile family; I was ready to move on from corn snakes. Unlike today - where I carefully analyze and plan the species that make up my little reptile hobby - back then I was just a kid looking for cool reptiles to take home.

Nothing was sparking my interest - until I walked by the very last vendor table at the expo. I looked down and I saw a tub full of little baby snakes. These snakes looked a bit different, and upon handling one baby, I noticed that the scales of this snake were kinda rough; alot rougher than the corn snakes that I was used to. And the pattern - tan with black saddles with some beautiful white tones here and there.

I asked the vendor about the snakes; Pituophis melanoleucus, or more commonly referred to as the Northern Pine Snake. I took one home, blissfully unaware of what I'd gotten myself into. To this day I'm not really sure why those baby pine snakes were so calm at the expo, but, it wasn't long after living with this baby Northern Pine Snake, that the true nature of the Pituophis genus began to reveal itself.

Pine Snakes, Gopher Snakes, and Bull Snakes are all members of the genus Pituophis. And while markings and patterns and adult sizes and localities are all different, one this that is not different is that all of the members of this genus, well...they don't f**k around.

As I got to know my new Pine Snake, it was very clear that he was the stereotypical Pituophis. And he needed a name.

Steve Irwin - at the time - had a rather feisty crocodile at Australia Zoo and that croc's name was Agro. And I found my little baby Pine Snake deserving of the same name.

Agro was a member of my family for about 25 years. And over the years there were many a moments when the Pituophis that he was shined through - "S-shaped" posture, mouth agape, big inhales and then exhales with a hiss reminiscing of some evil creature from a horror movie. Oh and very sharp teeth that made one bleed for a while.

But, that wasn't all Agro was; as the years went by, we all got to know him - how to engage with him and how you could get past all that Pituophis spunk. And that was the key tactic when interacting with Agro - get past that Pituophis attitude.

When I was young and naive, it was very easy to use the word "mean" when Agro was considered. But as I grew older, I realized that for the most part, there are no "mean" animals. There are animals that may be more prone to aggression than others, but the ability to "be mean" is largely a trait designated to humans.

The defensive posturing of the Pituophis genus is just that - defensive. And once it clicked in my head that Agro wasn't "mean," I began to understand him better.

Agro was simply scared. That is it. Just scared.

whether it was with a snake hook, or very slow deliberate movements toward him, or even a pillow case thrown over his head from time-to-time, once I was able to get Agro in my hands; once he began to gently slither in my hands and up my arms, he was the bestest boy.

That doesn't mean that there weren't times when I made mistakes and Agro corrected me, but that understanding was there.

A few years ago I was taking Agro out of his enclosure in order to conduct a routine cleaning. And as I was holding him, I noticed that there was a section - mid-down his body - that was a bit kinked and rather firm.

After visiting a veterinarian, there wasn't much we could do. Agro had been a valued member of my family for over two decades and was nearing the end of his life cycle; surgically removing the mass was not recommended given his age. Instead Agro came back home and got weekly - then daily - soaks in warm water. His appetite slowed, but he ate right up until his last week or two of life.

One morning I was giving him is soak; he still had some spunk when I removed him from the enclosure and placed him in the tub.

But the Pituophis "spark" was gone.

I sat there on the floor next to the tub, watching him. He was quiet, slowly floating in the warm water. I placed my hand under his head and slowly lifted his head out of the water. I got real close to him. It was at that moment - when Agro and I were nose-to-nose - that after over two decades with this snake, I finally got the feeling that he was saying to me, "Fine. I love you Dad."

I said "I love you too Agro." And then the the life left his body.

I sat there and cried, still holding his head in my hand. I then sent a message to a few family members who also had shared decades of their lives with Agro.

We all loved that f**king snake.